The Heartbeat of My Life

My life is Yours

My hope is in You only

And my heart You hold

‘Cause You made this sinner holy

‘Cause Your glory is so beautiful

I fall onto my knees in awe

And the heartbeat of my life

is to worship in Your light

‘Cause Your glory is so beautiful

As I sat in church this morning, I found myself distracted. My husband and I currently sit in the very back because we have a two month old who isn’t old enough to go in the nursery yet. We sit in the back so that we can make a quick getaway in the chance that she needs to be nursed, starts crying, or needs a new diaper. Sitting in the back isn’t terrible. But if I’m being honest, I get so distracted. Why? Well, it’s right next to the door that everyone enters and exits. So, I find myself turning my head every few seconds as that door opens and closes. I find myself hypothesizing whether that person left because they were offended by the sermon or whether they had to pee. Maybe it was their kids’ number that just flashed on the monitor because they are pitching a fit and the nursery workers need help. I get distracted by all of the other babies sitting in the back with us. Their little grunts, snores, hiccups, sucking, and crying make me smile. It makes my mind think about my own children. So, I stare at my sweet little babe and my mind travels to the two-year old room where my son is. I wonder what he’s doing. Is he being a good boy? Is he listening and participating? When I pick him up will he tell me what he learned or will he be whiny and cranky and ready for a nap?

Do you ever get distracted in church? Chances are, you probably do. Maybe not as badly as I was this morning. But I’m sure you do.

I honestly can’t tell you what I learned from the sermon today and it’s not because our pastor isn’t engaging or because what he said this morning had no value. But I was distracted. Physically, I was there, but, I let myself miss out on an opportunity to learn because my mind was other places.

Until the music started.

I love to worship God in a variety of ways. In my last post, I talked about the beach and how easy it is for me to surrender to and worship God when I’m in front of the vastness of the ocean. Music is like that for me too. Whether it’s old hymns or contemporary praise and worship music, my heart just acts like a sponge and my heart sucks in the beauty, rhythm, poetic nature, and truth embedded in each song.

This morning, we came to the Lord’s Table for communion. I found myself confessing and apologizing to God for my distracted mind. I prayed that I wouldn’t miss anymore opportunities today to worship Him and learn from Him. That’s when I got weepy. Every verse to every song we sang at the end of the service hit me like ocean waves coming into the shore during a storm. The kind of waves that knock you over and make you gasp for breath as you emerge from the depths.

As we sang the final song, Your Glory/Nothing But the Blood by All Sons & Daughters, I just started to quietly cry. Every time we sang the words “And the heartbeat of my life, is to worship in Your light. ‘Cause Your glory is so beautiful” I felt a catch in my voice. Tears filled my eyes and they widened, trying not to let a single one fall out. After the service, we went to the orientation for our daughter’s infant dedication. Next Sunday, on Father’s Day, she will be dedicated to the Lord in front of friends, family, and our church family. I had walked into our orientation with the mindset that I didn’t need to be there. I’d done this whole thing two years prior when we dedicated Blake. I knew we’d play a game, talk about the order of the service, and our pastor would talk about the scriptures and questions he’ll ask us during the service. Got it. Check. Been there, done that.

But remember, I prayed during the Lord’s Supper that God would help me to not miss out on anymore opportunities to worship Him or learn from Him.

So, as our pastor shared an anecdote about his children breaking a window and then fessing up to their mom, taking full responsibility for their actions, his wife took that opportunity to be gracious and kind– and I teared up. I felt a prick on my heart as I considered the many times already in my son’s little life that I’ve responded with harshness and unkindness when he makes mistakes instead of taking the opportunity to show him love and God’s light. Our pastor talked about how we should be considering and praying about what things we want to put into our children’s “suitcase” that they will carry through life. Will it be filled with good things that we’ve taught them like patience, honesty, kindness towards others, and God’s promises? Or will it be filled with things like a quick temper, feelings of imperfection, and a struggle to be honest and kind when things don’t go their way? Then, one of our children’s ministry workers got up to share about the support and role of the children’s ministry at our church. She shared how the desire of this ministry is to teach our kids that God made them. God loves them. And Jesus wants to be their friend forever.

Again…I teared up.

What an incredible message of truth that they are engraining in my toddler and one day, my daughter.

It made me feel convicted at first because I’m not sure I always live out or teach those truths to Blake. But then it made me feel excited. I am his mom and although I’m not perfect, I get the opportunity every single day–not just on Sundays–to teach him that God made him, loves him, and wants to be his friend forever. “And the heartbeat of my life, is to worship in Your light”. Ya’ll I want that to be the heartbeat of my life. I want his little suitcase to be filled with that truth.

I confess that it is a struggle for me some days to stay in the light. I put so much pressure on myself to be the perfect parent. I want my two year old son to look at me and see me as this awesome, amazing, shining light for Jesus. I want him to look at me and see how strong I am. I want him to look at me and think, “Wow, my mom is the best! She cares for others, she speaks only kindness, she never lies, she never loses her temper with me, and she even chooses apples over ice cream as her snack!” But I fall short daily–especially on that last one! But that is the beauty of the gospel, friends. I do not have to be perfect or have it altogether. Romans 3:10 “There is no one righteous, not even one;”  and 3:23 “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” My job as Blake and Nora’s mom is to take my moments of imperfection and point them to Jesus and His perfection.

When we got in the car after church, I asked my husband to play the song again on his iPod because I needed to worship and meditate on the words of that song once more.

The heartbeat of my life is to worship in Your light.

‘Cause Your glory is so beautiful

‘Cause Your glory is so beautiful

We sing

Glory, glory

Halelujiah

Jesus, You are good

Is that the heartbeat of your life? Are you making your life one big act of worship to our Father? Are you walking in His light? Are you truly in awe of Him–so much so that it brings you to your knees in worship?

Friends, my encouragement and prayer for you as you go through this week is just that. That you would make your life’s heartbeat, the thing that propels you forward each day, an act of worship. That you would take your moments of falling short and feeling like you aren’t enough and that you would seek to find truth in scripture when you don’t know what else to do. It’s the prayer I’m praying for myself as well.

Another favorite hymn of mine says “Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer.”

Go to Him…because I promise you, He is big enough.